“Lord, I just need to connect to your world right now. I know you’re here right now, but I can’t see you or feel you. Refine my spiritual senses so I can connect with You.”
I was sitting in the middle of my living room feeling squirmy in my meditation, wondering if I had prayed enough for other people and if it was okay to pray for myself. Somehow I have this ingrained belief that my prayers need to be for other people–the suffering here and across the world, my friends, my family, my town, and my country. When I want to pray for myself it’s usually prayers of thanks and asking for forgiveness for the sins I know I must have committed and the ones I am not aware of. But the whole “ask and you shall receive” thing I have a hard time with. It’s a problem.
I digress. On this day I just needed something from God. I just needed Him. I cautiously flipped my hands over so they were facing palm up as an act and symbol of wanting to receive. I prayed my prayer and I waited in silence, forcing myself to turn off my thoughts and just be. Seconds later I heard my son’s bedroom door open.
Don’t lose focus. Don’t lose focus. Breathe.
Then the upstairs toilet flushed and the sound of the water rushing through the pipes overtook the precious silence.
Don’t lose focus. Don’t lose focus…
“Hey, Mom? Mama?”
I let out a gentle and disappointed sigh.
“Mama? Are you there?” my son called from the top of the stairs.
“Yes, Buddy. What’s up?”
“You have to come see this. Come here.”
I confess, I didn’t really want to come upstairs. “Alright, I’m coming, Buds.”
As I ascended the stairs, Sean said, “The moon woke me up. You gotta see this.”
We walked into his bedroom and to his window. A crystal clear, bright white full moon was glued to the indigo backdrop of the early morning sky. It was gorgeous. I thought I should grab my camera to capture this moment.
No. You’ll miss it. This moment is just for us, said the sound of my thoughts but in a voice that wasn’t mine.
“You can see the craters, mom.”
“I can. You said it woke you up? What do you mean?”
“I was sleeping and all of a sudden a bright light came to my eyes and I woke up. I didn’t know where the light was coming from. So I turned on my bedroom light, but that wasn’t the right light. So I turned it off and laid on my bed and I saw the moon out my window. It was the moon making the light!”
“I want to see how you saw, Buddy. Show me.”
We climbed onto his bed, and as I lay my head down next to his on the pillow, I saw what he could see. This crisp brilliant moon framed by the tree branches pressed against the sky. For 25 minutes my son and I watched the moon ever so slowly lower itself through the branches while we talked about how the earth moves.
I thought out loud, “This is what the passage of time really looks like, Buddy. Isn’t that weird? Usually time feels faster because we’re so busy filling it up with activities, we forget how slow time actually moves.”
“Cool,” he said.
Then my own light came on. “Hey, did you know that right before you called me up here I was praying to God that he would help me connect to his world? I wanted to see God and the next thing I know you’re calling me up to your room to look at this amazing moon and we’re having this really neat conversation, just you and me. He used you to talk to me. That’s really special. I feel so much better now.”
Sean turned to look at me and gave me his signature smile.
The moon landed behind a cluster of branches where we couldn’t see it from where we were lying. Sean squirmed to adjust his position to get a better view.
I let out a gentle laugh. “It will drop below those branches in a few minutes, Peanut. We’re getting impatient because we can’t see it, but we know it’s still there.”
Ah. Just like God, said my thoughts again, in that familiar voice that wasn’t mine.
We lay there several more minutes, but the moon never reappeared from behind those branches. But I knew it was there. I could feel it.