What does fat mean to you? This thing you are so scared of, work so hard not to be.
Every pang of hunger comes with counting and fretting; demands of should and should not. The push and pull of guilt against desire. Eating is wrong and exercise the penance. Punishment and chastisement for feeding the hunger; sweat and force when numbers go up; false happiness and pressure when numbers down. Restrict and binge; purge and control. New diet, old diet, no solution at all to the hating and shaming of your body.
What does fat mean to you? This thing you try so viciously hard to avoid.
I wrestled this question as my truth struggled it’s way to light; my darkest judgement revealed.
Fat means Ugly.
Fat means Sick.
Fat means Lazy.
Fat means Undisciplined.
Fat means Unworthy.
Fat means Undependable.
Size of body determines beauty and beauty determines value. If I am fat, then I am not beautiful; I have no value in the eyes of my world. This is what I was afraid of. I needed to be seen. I needed to belong. I needed to be valued. I needed to be loved.
The truth was not cleansing, for if I believed these things about myself, then I believed them about people I loved.
My friends and family in larger bodies were valuable weren’t they? Didn’t I love them? See them? Value them? Yes… but I judged them, as lazy, sick, undependable, unworthy of culture’s acceptance. Love tainted with judgement is not true love.
The horror of the truth made me sick. A larger body meant I did not love myself; I did not truly love my loved ones, and I did not accept those who were unknown to me.
What does fat mean to you?
It took honesty and time for fat to mean nothing to me. Skinny is equally of no value. The heart means everything. My heart was infected by distorted truths from a culture that places value on the wrong things. I threw away “fat” and “skinny” in relation to bodies, making room in my heart and mind for the things that actually matter–the things that heal and refine the condition of my heart.
When I look in the mirror the temptation is there, to label myself one or the other, but then I remember, large body or small has no bearing on who I am at all.
I eat and move with freedom. No more fretting. No more counting. No more stressing. No more fearing. Just trusting… trusting my body is just right for me.
What does fat mean to you? Define it. Understand it. Decide why matters to you.