Tag Archives: fat

What to do when you’re feeling fat

Fat isn’t a feeling.

I cannot count the number of times I have heard myself say and think, “Ugh. I feel fat.” This statement was usually followed by a flow of self-abusive thoughts about how undisciplined my eating habits were, how lazy I was, and how ugly I was. Then I would vow to get my lazy-ass running harder, longer, and farther and vow to cut more calories, more sugar, and more fat. I would get my act together and be healthier!

Can you relate?

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What I’ve learned is “fat” isn’t a feeling. Sad, inadequate, depressed, embarrassed, unworthy, stupid, humiliated, grief… these are feelings. They are hard, uncomfortable emotions to feel and explore.

It’s actually easier to project hard feelings outward onto the body because we have a certain amount of control of our body. Going back on a diet or trying a brand new diet gives fresh hope that if we look better then we’ll feel better. Trying out a new exercise regimen, complete with a cute new outfit, shiny new gear, and hot new shoes gives us a buzz of excitement that suppresses the hard emotions. It’s analogous to the buzz you get when you’ve imbibed on just enough wine to make you giddy and relaxed, forgetting the woes of the day.  New diet, new gear, new workout stuff is just enough control to make you giddy and charged, forgetting the woes of the real feelings that are bubbling underneath the surface.

Unfortunately, the buzz wears off. And the feelings you were trying to ignore are still heavy and growing worse. The diet is hard, the exercise sucks, and the shine of the new workout stuff grows dull;  you blame yourself for not being disciplined enough and motivated enough. Another diet failed. Unworthiness, sadness, frustration, take over. You feel fat. Again.

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When you’re feeling fat remember fat isn’t a feeling. Find a space where you can sit in silence and stillness. Close your eyes and identify actual emotions. You’re likely feeling more than one. For me I was often feeling unworthy, embarrassed, and stupid. Through therapy and practice I learned to just sit in those feelings and feel them. I cried. I raged in anger. I went to bed (even if it was 10:30 in the morning.) I wrote in my journal. I prayed. Once I spent an entire day lying on my living room floor in front of the fireplace. I didn’t get up until my kids came home from school. And I felt so much better!

Feelings have to be acknowledged and felt at the roots in order for self-love and body satisfaction to grow. You’ll be amazed how much grace you’ll have for your body when you aren’t using your body to suppress emotions.

May you find peace and love within yourself this week, my friends.

Carbs don’t make you fat

I remember when I first heard this statement from my dietitian; I looked at her as if she’d just told me humans grow antlers. It was an absurd statement. Everybody knows carbs make you fat, right? That’s what the health and fitness industry shouts at us every day.

It’s a lie.

The truth is: carbs don’t make you fat. Carbohydrates are your body’s number one source for fuel and energy. Whether in the form of simple sugars (found in fruits, vegetables, table sugar, honey, etc.) or in more complex forms (such as whole grains, pastas, potatoes, etc.), carbohydrates are specifically needed for brain and body function (including at the cellular level).

Cutting carbs from your diet is dangerous and counterproductive for weight management. The sugar cravings we’re told to control and replace with “healthier” foods, like kale or carrots, are not a result of your body being “addicted” to sugar. The craving for sugar is a biological signal from your body that it needs fuel.  The more you cut carbs, the stronger the cravings will become. And the more you ignore those signals, the lower your blood sugar drops and you become weak, shaky, fatigued, irritable, dizzy, and nauseous. Over time living with consistently low blood sugar takes a toll on your body causing poor sleep, moodiness, chronic headaches, and stress on your heart.  Not to mention cutting carbohydrates from your diet causes dysfunction of your metabolism. As your body tries to function with a lack of fuel, the metabolism slows to a crawl in order to preserve energy.  Over time your body goes into survival or “deprivation” mode.  This means your body will shut down or reduce crucial body functions, like hormone function, digestion, and blood circulation so it can send what little energy it is getting to the heart and brain.

By the way, if you “give in” to a craving after restricting for so long, it’s hard to hear or feel when your body signals that is has had enough of whatever you are eating. Have you ever been so thirsty that you chug a trough of water without breathing, refill your cup several times, and then a few minutes later feel like a swollen water balloon? You drink too much too fast giving your body zero chance to process and turn off the “thirsty” signal, leaving you sloshing around and peeing the excess the rest of the day. The same principle applies to food. When you deprive your body of any nutrient, especially sugar, you’re likely to over-eat the amount your body actually needs, thus causing discomfort and digestive upset… and lots of guilt or shame.

Your body needs ALL nutrients, especially carbohydrates. One of the most vital things I learned in eating disorder recovery is the importance of variety over “balance.” Our culture is strict about “eating a balanced diet,” yet it also encourages cutting carbs, fats, and calories (such a confusing and contradictory message!) However, when you eat a diet filled with a variety of fruits, veggies, grains, sweets, dairy, proteins and fat in a variety of different forms, balance naturally happens. You don’t even have to think or wonder about whether your diet is balanced or not.

How do you know if you are eating a good variety? Your body will absolutely tell you. Focus in on what sounds good. Does a salad really sound good or does it sound like the “healthier choice” over the burrito? If the burrito sounds better, honor your body’s request. Are you really not hungry or are you just trying to ignore the hunger because you’ve “already had those calories”? If you’re hungry, you need to eat and eat what sounds good.

Your body won’t ever ask you to eat more than it needs of any nutrient, including carbohydrates. Carbs don’t make you fat, so tune in and enjoy.

 

When my daughter was called “fat”

The neighbor kiddo called my daughter fat. They are both only 8-years-old. As a recovering anorexia patient, of course I was triggered. Thankfully my healthy voice is dominant right now, and this is how the conversation with my daughter unfolded:

“Hmm. How did it make you feel when she said that?” I asked.

*shrugs shoulders* “I don’t know,” Daughter said sheepishly. “Is it true? I feel like maybe it’s true. I don’t understand because she said she didn’t know why she said it. She said she ‘just felt like saying it to me.'”

“That sounds confusing,” I said.

“Yeah.”

I explained, “Her comment doesn’t make sense for two reasons. One, you aren’t fat, so the comment is wrong. It isn’t true. Number two, and most importantly, even if you did live in a larger body, your size has no bearing on who you are. You would still be the same creative, compassionate, funny, gracious person you are in the size you live in now. While your body can be lots of different sizes, your heart stays the same. So her effort to try to make you feel bad doesn’t even make sense. It’s confusing.”

“Why did she say it? She said she didn’t know why and she just felt like it.”

“Sometimes when people get a bad or hard feeling in their hearts,  like sad, mad, jealous, disappointed, hurt, or scared, they want to get rid of that bad feeling so they can feel good. One way people do that is to make someone around them feel bad. It’s like taking off the bad feeling and putting it on someone else to feel. It makes them feel better to see someone else feeling sad or mad or hurt or whatever the feeling. A lot of times, unfortunately, people don’t even know they’re doing this.

Your friend, rather than telling you she had a bad feeling in her own heart, tried to make you feel bad instead by calling you fat. My guess is she didn’t even realize she had a yucky feeling inside and that’s why she didn’t understand why she said it.”

“I wasn’t going to tell you what happened. But it was growing and growing in my chest and I thought it was going to explode outside of me!”

“Yes! That is a great explanation of feelings, Baby Girl. When we don’t talk about our feelings, for you the feelings were confusion and maybe hurt, they sit inside our bodies and they grow and grow until they have to come out. Your friend’s feelings exploded on you in the form of a hurtful comment, that ultimately didn’t make sense. It’s always better to talk about how you’re feeling in the moment so they don’t explode later.

You did the absolute right thing in telling me. Do you feel better?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. If this happens again, then come tell me and I’ll help you. I’ll talk to your friend and her mom. It’s not okay that she was trying to hurt you.”

“She might hate me if you talk to her.”

“Well, if she hates you because of her own actions, then that’s on her and she isn’t a good friend in the first place. Would you rather me not talk to her?”

“I want you to. I need help.”

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My daughter came to me a few days later and said it happened again. This little girl called my daughter fat and tried to cover it with “I’m only kidding” when my daughter tried to stand up for herself. As promised, I pulled this young girl aside and gently explained that her comment isn’t true and that it isn’t okay joke around about people’s body size because it’s hurtful.  It isn’t funny.

I texted her mother and let her know of the situation and my words to her daughter. We had a positive face-to-face conversation about it later. She confessed her daughter keeps all feelings inside despite her attempts to draw her daughter out; often this little girl comes off as just plain mean. I offered my understanding and support, mom-to-mom, friend-to-friend; she gave me permission to talk to her daughter anytime a situation warrants adult intervention.

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Here’s what I want you to know dear reader. Everything I said to my 8-year-old applies to any age, and any gender for that matter. Feelings are human and not age dependent; personal character is human not body size dependent.  Joking or making comments about body size doesn’t make sense at any age for any gender. So if anyone has ever insulted you about your body size, large or small, try to remember there is/was something negative growing inside of them and it’s exploding on to you.

In the spirit of grace and love, and if the situation lends itself, let them know their comment doesn’t make sense. See if you can navigate the conversation deeper, beyond body size, and pin point what’s really going on for the person who is trying to hurt you.