Tag Archives: truth

Why, God, why?

I hear your cries of “Why, God, why?”
I feel your laments within the depths of your heart.
You wonder if I’m even listening let alone caring about the wiles of this world.

Please understand, my dear child, this is my world and my country too. It all belongs to Me. All that has happened and all that’s been lost; the injustice and death are my greatest grief. Don’t you trust I feel it too?

You cry out “Why?” and I say to you, Thou shall see what I will do.

Do I only get your hand and heart when life is grand and goes your way? When things are as you expect or understand? Will your faith remain with Me as I lay out my full plan?
Faith only matters when it’s tested and too hard to hold on. Will you? Straining and wiggling with a white knuckle grip or will you let go and let Me set you free? Free from the struggle and what you think you understand. I’m asking you, dear child, to please trust Me.

This season of time about which you lament and cry was harsh and wild and shocking and surreal. I know. “It’s too much to handle, dear God, why?” Sweet child, I don’t ask you to handle or deal. I ask you to listen, to trust what’s Real.

All those times I gave you space to breathe and fresh eyes to see; from the trip across the ocean, warmth in tropical air, to the solitude of your cabin at the grand mountain’s base, to the dawn of that Thursday morning in your bedroom silent and calm. All the family you hugged, the friends of cheer, to the new lives and new love born–I gave you blessings dear one, I promise I did. In the midst of the pain and the plan, I heard you. Don’t you trust Me?

Do you trust when branches are pruned that new and much fruit will grow? Do you trust that crushed grain will make fresh bread? Dear child, there’s pain in each cut and every thrash, it’s true, but the vine does not die, the grain does not become pulverized. Both bring life–one bears fruit and one of grain flour ready for the finest use. Do you trust My plan, My way to prepare you? To prepare this country? To prepare this world?

To know pain and despair is to know humility; with humility comes quiet wisdom to understand. Do you trust Me?

I hear your cries asking “Why, God, why?”
I’m pulling you close and say to you:
“Trust Me, sweet child. I love you, and thou shall see what I will do.”

The true beauty of a woman

May we honor this truth for every woman from every/any background of race, culture, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, political backdrop, socioeconomic circumstance, mental health condition, age, educational level, and familial situation.

All women. All equally beautiful. All equally powerful.

Why I Believe in God

 

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I am not here to convince you to believe in God or to convert you to Christianity. My purpose in this world is to love you–where you are, as you are. I am not better than you because God is my Lord and Jesus is my savior. We’re just different and that is a beautiful thing. We can still be friends. 🙂

There is no easy answer to “Why do you believe in God?” but I’ll give it a whirl. Note this is a blog space, not a biography or a memoir where I can spend pages unpacking my testimony and thoughts; what follows here is the blog-abridged answer to a deep, multi-faceted question.  Continue reading

Access Granted

 

There are barriers in our world to things or people that/who are deemed special, honorable, and of great value. Museums of art and artifacts have glass, velvet ropes, and clear rules limiting how close we can get. Movie stars, professional athletes, religious leaders, and politicians are less than accessible to the common citizen without special permissions, passes and security escorts (not because the celebrity is dangerous, but because we the public pose a potential danger.) I can’t imagine even getting a physical glimpse of royalty, like Queen Elizabeth or Duchess Kate. If I tried to approach any of these people or things I would be stopped immediately, evicted from their presence–maybe even arrested. In our world, I am not worthy to approach any of these people or things of high value. Continue reading

I am valuable

Breaktime

 

From the time I was four years old, I was led to believe that I must earn my worth. Who I was was not automatically desirable or valuable. By the time I hit eighth grade, I was tired of the shame I felt about who I was–the annoying, dumb girl who never gets it right. Before I realized what I was doing, I began to build a shield around myself to hide what was obviously so repulsive to the world. This shield was perfect because it was perfectionism.

And it worked. In college, I was getting praised, winning awards, and was sought after for my hard work. I was the one who had good ideas, got things done, and surpassed expectations. As pressure mounted to keep pleasing, the shield became a burden and who I really was, that person I was trying so desperately to hide, was long forgotten. I developed an eating disorder to cope with the confusion and pressure; the disorder nearly killed me.

Nearly 15 months into recovery from the eating disorder and less than a year into de-constructing the shield of perfectionism, I am starting to see who I was hiding. Though I’ve aged over 25 years, I’m still the same person at my core:

I am a child of God living in this world but being not of this world. I have the spirit and preciousness of a four-year-old girl with the growing wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of the Kingdom of God.

In other words:

I wear orange shoes and speak in unexpected metaphors. I have diddle-songs about random daily things, like waking up, brushing your teeth, and dinnertime. I’m an intellectual but you won’t know it by talking with me. I’m quirky and simple but you’d never know it by reading my writing. I find deep meaning in everything, including the color orange. If you’re having a bad day, I can find something in you to expose you as good regardless of what your day told you.

I oversimplify most things; I overthink when I’m scared. I don’t understand why we make life so complicated–love God, love your neighbor, the end. Yet, I find the complexity of love and God and truth and human nature alluring–fascinating. I get confused easily, but give me a little time to think and you’ll be surprised by my introspection.

Faithandculture1My face doesn’t lie about how I’m feeling, but I do. When I am passionate about how I feel, my hands and arms fly through the air, dancing and spinning with my words as they pour out from my heart.

My heart is the best thing about me. It hosts the Spirit of the God. So I hurt for the brokenness and evil that infects this world, yet I have confidence and hope and belief in restoration and healing. I take seriously the hurt others endure, and as the Spirit calls me to love, I pour that love into those around me–whether I know them or not, whether I want to or not.

Am I perfect? Nope. I am human, which means I can be selfish, lazy, and self-centered at times. A lot.  But these are just symptoms of my humanness and not who I am.

As I lay in bed last night I thought about all of this. My husband turned to me and looked into my eyes. Then he kissed me. With sudden realization I said, “I am valuable.”

“Yes, you are.”

The simple fact that I am who I am living in this world makes me valuable. Automatically. Culture and people make me feel like I must earn my worth. But God says I am valuable because of who He made me–as is.

I am valuable.

I fell asleep in silent tears because for the first time since I was four years old, I actually believe it.